Caregiver Thoughts

If you're not a caregiver personally overseeing an aged loved one's needs, you won't understand this completely. And I'm not referring to those of you who have already needed to place your loved one in a facility. But let me offer some insight in case you find yourself needing to be the main caregiver who must monitor and manage your loved one's life in order to honor their wishes to stay in their own homes and as independent as they can practically and SAFELY manage. And yes, this is lengthy...

All situations are as unique as the people involved. My mother does amazingly well for a 94 year old woman. Note: my mother has always done pretty well on her own, a strong independent woman, basically since helping with her family income when she was 12-13 years old during the Depression. This put into place within her a great determination, perseverance, sense of duty and responsibility resulting in a fortress of inner strength. My mother has said to me that I perhaps know her better than anyone else ever has. I've been the one who has chosen to be most involved in her life, pushing past her strong independence over the years, at times requiring my insistence that she be more involved in my life. We've had our battles, those mother/daughter clashes and times of withdrawing and letting some time and space occur between us as needed. We grow. We change. We learn. As I came to know my mother as a her own separate person, as a unique human being apart from being my mother, I was astounded at her strengths and wisdom and the life experiences she survived that gave her that strength rather than defeat her. I don't know that I would have done as well. I do know I'm thankful for her as my mother and the incredible gifts I've received from her through our relationship. She was not the favorite daughter and she knew it. I have clear memories of this myself as not one of the favorite grandchildren. She was deemed the black sheep because of her career as a jazz musician, a beautiful, greatly talented blonde woman wearing sequined dresses playing out in nightclubs at night and working different jobs during the day to hold her family together and on top of that having been through several divorces. This all forced her to be organized and a bit of a perfectionist in her housekeeping because time was short, so therefore she impressed upon us a place for everything and everything in its place. Her deep love, immersion and knowledge in music combined with her passion to teach gave her great satisfaction in seeing many of her students go on to successful music careers. Her training and experience at Harrisburg Hospital School of Nursing served her well not only in her years at Pa. Blue Shield but also in good healthcare for her children. I have often stated that I give credit to my mother for my great love and passionate interest in health and music, not to mention the inherent gifts and predispositions to such in my own gifts, abilities and interests. Soooo, all these things that were so strongly part of my mother's life now come through to serve her well when her short term memory does not. Her realism, truthfulness, perseverance, organization and pride all help me determine how to make decisions on her behalf and how to respond to her in our daily interactions that are truthful yet preserve her dignity. I have thoroughly researched all avenues, both allopathically and holistically, to help her do her best physically, mentally and spiritually. I Have learned in caregiver support groups that it all too often falls on one sibling or one person to bear the majority if not all of it in dealing with an elderly parent or grandparent, for one reason or another, some very good reasons and others simply excuses for selfishness. I will never post or discuss anything publicly that could be detrimental or disrepectful in any way of my mother. I wouldn't do that with anyone. When your parent or grandparent or aunt or uncle or whomever is dependent on you in those final years, should you be so blessed to accept that sacred challenge, remember to do all you can to not only preserve their dignity but to cherish those moments. They still have a voice. They still have their own feelings, concerns and fears. Consider that. Ask them! And then make informed, appropriate decisions for them that are based in reality for their safety and well-being in every sense. Be informed. Be practical. Be kind and patient. Accept your role as Guardian Angel. Ask for and accept input and help from those who want to help and from those who have the knowledge, training and experience. If you're new at this, you don't know it all. Take care of yourself. Give thanks for the opportunity to give back to those who gave you your very life. Mom's words of wisdom when I was with her on Tuesday: "It's so hard for me to be dependent on anyone because I've been so damn independent my whole life. But if I have to be dependent, at least it's with people who really know me and love me, you and Jim. I hope when you get to my age you have that, too. Everybody needs those kind of people in their lives. Don't waste your time on the rest." 

Caregiver Thoughts

If you're not a caregiver personally overseeing an aged loved one's needs, you won't understand this completely. And I'm not referring to those of you who have already needed to place your loved one in a facility. But let me offer some insight in case you find yourself needing to be the main caregiver who must monitor and manage your loved one's life in order to honor their wishes to stay in their own homes and as independent as they can practically and SAFELY manage. And yes, this is lengthy...

All situations are as unique as the people involved. My mother does amazingly well for a 94 year old woman. Note: my mother has always done pretty well on her own, a strong independent woman, basically since helping with her family income when she was 12-13 years old during the Depression. This put into place within her a great determination, perseverance, sense of duty and responsibility resulting in a fortress of inner strength. My mother has said to me that I perhaps know her better than anyone else ever has. I've been the one who has chosen to be most involved in her life, pushing past her strong independence over the years, at times requiring my insistence that she be more involved in my life. We've had our battles, those mother/daughter clashes and times of withdrawing and letting some time and space occur between us as needed. We grow. We change. We learn. As I came to know my mother as a her own separate person, as a unique human being apart from being my mother, I was astounded at her strengths and wisdom and the life experiences she survived that gave her that strength rather than defeat her. I don't know that I would have done as well. I do know I'm thankful for her as my mother and the incredible gifts I've received from her through our relationship. She was not the favorite daughter and she knew it. I have clear memories of this myself as not one of the favorite grandchildren. She was deemed the black sheep because of her career as a jazz musician, a beautiful, greatly talented blonde woman wearing sequined dresses playing out in nightclubs at night and working different jobs during the day to hold her family together and on top of that having been through several divorces. This all forced her to be organized and a bit of a perfectionist in her housekeeping because time was short, so therefore she impressed upon us a place for everything and everything in its place. Her deep love, immersion and knowledge in music combined with her passion to teach gave her great satisfaction in seeing many of her students go on to successful music careers. Her training and experience at Harrisburg Hospital School of Nursing served her well not only in her years at Pa. Blue Shield but also in good healthcare for her children. I have often stated that I give credit to my mother for my great love and passionate interest in health and music, not to mention the inherent gifts and predispositions to such in my own gifts, abilities and interests. Soooo, all these things that were so strongly part of my mother's life now come through to serve her well when her short term memory does not. Her realism, truthfulness, perseverance, organization and pride all help me determine how to make decisions on her behalf and how to respond to her in our daily interactions that are truthful yet preserve her dignity. I have thoroughly researched all avenues, both allopathically and holistically, to help her do her best physically, mentally and spiritually. I Have learned in caregiver support groups that it all too often falls on one sibling or one person to bear the majority if not all of it in dealing with an elderly parent or grandparent, for one reason or another, some very good reasons and others simply excuses for selfishness. I will never post or discuss anything publicly that could be detrimental or disrepectful in any way of my mother. I wouldn't do that with anyone. When your parent or grandparent or aunt or uncle or whomever is dependent on you in those final years, should you be so blessed to accept that sacred challenge, remember to do all you can to not only preserve their dignity but to cherish those moments. They still have a voice. They still have their own feelings, concerns and fears. Consider that. Ask them! And then make informed, appropriate decisions for them that are based in reality for their safety and well-being in every sense. Be informed. Be practical. Be kind and patient. Accept your role as Guardian Angel. Ask for and accept input and help from those who want to help and from those who have the knowledge, training and experience. If you're new at this, you don't know it all. Take care of yourself. Give thanks for the opportunity to give back to those who gave you your very life. Mom's words of wisdom when I was with her on Tuesday: "It's so hard for me to be dependent on anyone because I've been so damn independent my whole life. But if I have to be dependent, at least it's with people who really know me and love me, you and Jim. I hope when you get to my age you have that, too. Everybody needs those kind of people in their lives. Don't waste your time on the rest."